About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
