Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
