New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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