Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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