My balls are so social today.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
