in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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