My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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