Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
