I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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