if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
