I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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