I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
