I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
