You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
