I feel great
I just peed on a car
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
