This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
