what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
