I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
