I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
