I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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