All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
