dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
