Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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