we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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