Im at strip club and am horny
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
