Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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