Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
