Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
