I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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