im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
