Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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