just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
