Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
