im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my shit smells like andre
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
