i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
