Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
