I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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