And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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