I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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