Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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