Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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