i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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