i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Less talking, more tequila
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Drake has all the answers
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
