I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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