I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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