But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
