"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
