So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
