Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
