Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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