remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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